Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then Seek to be Understood

I think this concept is easy to grasp but rarely used? Why? I think that we all have this dire need to feel understood and so there is this urgency that comes with being understood. The problem is the other person you are communicating with feels the same way. Then we turn our needs inward and we stop listening to the other person.

My heart broke as I heard the story of a man who punished his little son every time he went around the corner. The boy kept going around the corner and the dad kept punishing the son. Out of tear filled eyes, the boy finally asked his father, “What does corner mean, Daddy?” Wow! What a lesson. The dad was stuck in his own world and sought to be understood NOT to understand. Because of this gross error, the little boy unknowingly and innocently made an action that resulted in undeserved punishment.

I can see how so much miscommunication and problems can be solved before they start if we would just try to understand others first. This will take practice I am sure. In my experience I am more likely to try to be understood first when I am reacting instead of being proactive. When I am making my choices based on emotion rather than understanding and insight I tend to have a more selfish environment instead of self-interest which would actually lead me to understand.

When we show that we understand the other person, you are showing them that you validate them. You see their perspective and it matters to you. You connect with them. You have filled a great need in their life just by understanding them, even if you don’t agree.